Backstage Tuning Room Descends Into Anarchy as Seven Instruments Warm Up Simultaneously

The Westfield Philharmonic's backstage tuning room was evacuated on Thursday evening after seven musicians attempted to warm up simultaneously in a space designed for three, producing what stage manager Kevin Curtain described as 'a sonic event that may have violated local noise ordinances.' The room, a 4-by-5-meter space adjacent to the stage, was occupied by a trumpet, a clarinet, two violins, a trombone, a flute, and a timpanist who was practicing with brushes on a folding chair. Each musician was playing a different piece in a different key at a different volume. 'The trumpet was doing Mahler excerpts fortissimo,' Curtain recounted. 'The clarinet was doing the Mozart Concerto in A. One violin was playing Paganini caprices at full speed. The other violin was doing slow scales, which was somehow more annoying. The trombone was playing something I didn't recognize and the trombonist later confirmed he didn't recognize it either.' The combined output registered 97 decibels on the stage manager's phone app, a level comparable to a motorcycle or a food blender operating at maximum speed. 'I asked them to take turns,' Curtain said. 'The trumpet player said he needed fifteen minutes minimum. The clarinettist said she needed twenty. The Paganini violinist said he needed however long the Paganini takes, which could be five minutes or could be an hour. Nobody was willing to leave.' The situation was resolved when Maestro Fortissimo opened the door, stood in the doorway for approximately four seconds, and closed it again. 'He didn't say anything,' Curtain said. 'He just looked at them. They all stopped. Then they filed out in order of seniority. I don't know how they knew the order. It's some kind of orchestral instinct.' The orchestra has since implemented a tuning room booking system. It has already generated three scheduling complaints.