Entire Brass Section Develops Mysterious Illness on Day of Avant-Garde Premiere

The complete brass section of the Regency Philharmonic — four horns, three trumpets, three trombones, and two tubas — called in sick on the morning of a world premiere by avant-garde composer Xerxes Klangfarben, whose new work requires brass players to submerge their bells in water, produce multiphonics by screaming into their mouthpieces, and at one point 'throw their instruments in the air and catch them, or not.' 'It's a coincidence,' said principal trumpet Claude Pavillon from his home, where he was reportedly in perfect health and watching television. 'Twelve people can get sick on the same day. It happens. Especially during flu season.' It is July. The work, titled 'Deconstruction IX: Brass in the Anthropocene,' includes a 47-page score with performance instructions that include 'play your instrument incorrectly,' 'produce the sound of institutional failure,' and a passage for solo tuba marked 'like a dying star, but angrier.' 'I spent forty years developing my embouchure,' said principal horn Winifred Gestopft via a text message claiming laryngitis. 'My teacher studied with Brain, who studied with Buyanovsky. I am not going to scream into my horn. My horn cost fourteen thousand dollars. I am not throwing it in the air. I reject the premise.' Composer Klangfarben expressed disappointment but not surprise. 'This happens at approximately 70 percent of my premieres,' he said. 'The brass always goes first. The strings usually follow by the dress rehearsal. The woodwinds are typically compliant, except for oboists, who fear nothing because they have already suffered enough.' The concert proceeded with the brass parts performed on synthesizer by a graduate student who described the experience as 'honestly worse than I expected, and I expected it to be bad.' The brass section returned to full health the following morning, in time for a program of Beethoven and Mozart.