Conductor's Baton Declared 'Load-Bearing' After Orchestra Refuses to Play Without It

The Westfield Philharmonic's Friday evening performance of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was delayed by twelve minutes after conductor Maestro Fortissimo arrived at the podium without his baton, causing what first violinist Helena Tremolo described as 'a complete systemic failure of musical intent.' Fortissimo, who realized the baton was on his kitchen counter approximately thirty seconds before downbeat, attempted to proceed by conducting with his bare hands. The orchestra did not respond. 'We couldn't tell when to come in,' said principal oboist Gerald Reed. 'The baton is the thing. Without the baton, he's just a man waving. We wave at each other all the time in the green room. Nobody plays when we do that.' Fortissimo tried several alternatives. He conducted with a pencil, which the back desks could not see. He conducted with a rolled-up program, which produced a distracting rustling sound. He briefly considered using a breadstick from the interval refreshment table, but the catering manager declined to release one ahead of schedule. The impasse was resolved when assistant conductor Yuki Downbeat produced a spare baton from her handbag, which she carries 'for exactly this situation.' The orchestra began playing immediately. 'The baton is not technically necessary,' Fortissimo said afterward. 'Many great conductors work without one. Boulez, for instance. But Boulez did not conduct the Westfield Philharmonic, an ensemble that requires, at minimum, a visible stick before it will acknowledge the existence of music.' The performance proceeded without further incident. Fortissimo has since purchased a backup baton, which he keeps in the car, and a second backup, which he keeps in his jacket. 'I will not be caught weaponless again,' he said.