Orchestra's Tuning Ritual Now Takes Longer Than the Actual Concert

The Westfield Philharmonic's pre-concert tuning procedure has expanded to 47 minutes following the implementation of concertmaster Viola Pitch's new 14-point tuning protocol, a duration that now exceeds the running time of several works in the orchestra's repertoire. The protocol, which Pitch introduced after what she described as 'unacceptable pitch drift in the cellos during the Haydn,' requires each of the 87 musicians to tune individually to the oboe's A, then tune in sectional groups, then tune as a full ensemble, then retune individually to correct what Pitch calls 'consensus drift.' 'The orchestra is a living organism,' Pitch explained. 'It breathes. It shifts. A440 is not a fixed point; it is a negotiation between 87 people, some of whom have eaten a heavy lunch and are breathing differently as a result. My protocol accounts for this.' Musicians have expressed mixed reactions. 'I spend more time tuning than playing,' said cellist Bruno Endpin. 'Last Tuesday, we tuned for 47 minutes and then played a 22-minute Mozart symphony. The tuning was longer than the music. That is not a ratio that inspires confidence in the system.' The protocol also includes a controversial step that Pitch calls 'vibrational consensus,' in which the entire orchestra sustains a unison A for 30 seconds while Pitch walks between the sections listening for what she describes as 'emotional pitch discrepancies.' These, she says, are 'notes that are technically correct but don't feel right.' Maestro Fortissimo has requested that the protocol be shortened. Pitch has responded that shortening the protocol would be 'a compromise with entropy' and that she is 'not prepared to negotiate with physics.' Audience members have been advised to arrive 15 minutes later than previously recommended.