Audubon Society Meeting Derailed by 90-Minute Argument Over Whether the Bird Outside the Window Is a Cooper's Hawk or a Sharp-Shinned Hawk

The monthly meeting of the Greater Portland Audubon Society was entirely consumed Tuesday by a dispute over the identification of a hawk that briefly perched on a tree branch visible through the meeting room window, a disagreement that persisted for 90 minutes despite the bird itself departing after approximately four. The conflict began when member Harold Finch glanced out the window and announced, 'Cooper's Hawk, nice,' prompting immediate and vociferous objection from member Dorothy Kettle, who declared it 'obviously a Sharp-shinned Hawk, and honestly, Harold, this is embarrassing for you.' The two species — Accipiter cooperii and Accipiter striatus — are notoriously difficult to distinguish in the field, differing primarily in size, tail shape, and the relative proportions of the head to the body. This difficulty did nothing to prevent twenty-three attendees from immediately choosing sides with absolute certainty. 'The tail was clearly rounded,' argued the Cooper's faction. 'Classic cooperii.' 'That tail was square,' countered the Sharp-shinned camp. 'And the head-to-body ratio was all wrong for Cooper's. You people need to study your Sibley.' Chapter president Miriam Osprey attempted to restore order by suggesting the bird was simply 'an Accipiter' and proposing the group move on to the scheduled agenda item regarding bird bath maintenance. She was shouted down by both factions, who united briefly to accuse her of 'taxonomic cowardice.' The meeting adjourned without reaching consensus. A splinter group has formed a WhatsApp chat called 'It Was a Cooper's,' which already has thirty-seven members and zero resolved arguments.