Half-Life of Office Coffee Estimated at 4.5 Billion Years Based on Break Room Sample

A team of radiochemists at Los Alamos National Laboratory has determined that the coffee sitting in the break room's communal carafe has a half-life of approximately 4.5 billion years — roughly equivalent to the age of the Earth and consistent with what lead researcher Dr. Francine Isotope called 'a substance that has fundamentally transcended its origins as a beverage.' The analysis was prompted when Dr. Isotope, reaching for the carafe during a late shift, noticed that the coffee had developed 'a viscosity and opacity not typically associated with drinkable liquids.' She submitted a sample to the radiochemistry division as a joke. The results were not funny. 'The sample contains trace quantities of carbon-14, potassium-40, and what appears to be a novel isotope we're tentatively calling coffeinium-247,' said analytical chemist Dr. Gerald Decay. 'It also contains caffeine, though at concentrations that suggest the original coffee was brewed at roughly 400 times the recommended strength.' No one at the facility can identify who brewed the coffee or when. Facilities records indicate the carafe was purchased in 2019, but carbon dating of the residue suggests the coffee itself predates the carafe by 'an uncomfortable margin.' 'We have a sign on the coffee maker that says please make a fresh pot if you take the last cup,' said facilities manager Karen Halflife. 'Clearly, nobody has taken the last cup. Or any cup. Possibly ever.' The carafe has been moved to a secure storage area pending further analysis. A replacement has been provided. It has already been sitting untouched for three days. 'Give it time,' said Dr. Isotope. 'Another 4.5 billion years and it'll be right where the last one was.'