Uranium Enrichment Facility Accidentally Enriches Employee's Yogurt to Weapons Grade

A routine safety audit at the Paducah Gaseous Diffusion Plant revealed that an employee's strawberry yogurt, inadvertently left atop a gas centrifuge cascade during a lunch break, had been enriched to approximately 90 percent fissile material — well above the 20 percent threshold that triggers International Atomic Energy Agency safeguards. 'In my 30 years in the enrichment business, I have never seen a dairy product achieve weapons-grade status,' said plant director Dr. Franklin Chain Reaction. 'The yogurt is now technically a strategic nuclear asset. We have placed it in a secure containment vessel, which is a lead-lined refrigerator.' The yogurt, a 5.3-ounce Chobani Strawberry on the Bottom, was reportedly placed on the centrifuge housing by shift supervisor Daryl Cascade, who told investigators he 'needed somewhere flat to put it' and 'didn't think 6 hours on a 50,000-RPM centrifuge would do anything to a yogurt.' The IAEA has dispatched inspectors to Paducah. Under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, any fissile material exceeding the enrichment threshold must be declared and placed under international safeguards, regardless of whether it is a weapon, fuel rod, or Greek-style yogurt. 'This is unprecedented,' said IAEA spokesperson Dr. Katarina Becquerel. 'Our protocols do not have a category for enriched dairy. We are adapting in real time.' Cascade has been placed on administrative leave. The yogurt, which remains in containment, has reportedly separated into its strawberry and Greek components, a process that plant scientists note is 'consistent with isotope separation, but also just what yogurt does if you leave it long enough.' Chobani has declined to comment, stating only that its products 'are not designed for use in nuclear applications.'