Man Attempts to Filibuster His Own Performance Review, Speaks for Nine Hours About Office Supplies

Account manager Gerald Cloture attempted to filibuster his own annual performance review Wednesday by speaking continuously for nine hours about topics including office supply procurement, the history of the stapler, and his increasingly detailed opinions about the break room coffee machine.

'My understanding of parliamentary procedure is that if I do not yield the floor, the review cannot formally conclude,' said Cloture during hour six, while displaying a PowerPoint presentation about toner cartridge recycling that contained 340 slides. 'And if the review cannot conclude, my rating cannot be entered into the system. It's procedural genius.'

Cloture's supervisor, regional director Amanda Ruling, was initially confused by the tactic. 'He walked in, said he invoked cloture — which I pointed out is actually the procedure to end a filibuster, not start one — and then began reading aloud from a binder labeled Exhibit A through Exhibit Triple-Z.'

The presentation covered, in exhaustive detail, the evolution of Post-it note adhesive technology, a comparative analysis of printer brands used by the company between 2015 and 2024, and a forty-five-minute segment on whether the office should switch from two-ply to three-ply paper towels.

'Around hour four, I realized he had memorized the entire Staples catalog,' said HR representative Felicia Quorum. 'The man knows the SKU number for every highlighter we carry. It was simultaneously impressive and deeply concerning.'

Cloture was eventually defeated when the review board invoked what they called 'the nuclear option' — informing him that his filibuster had been so thorough it constituted 'exceptional initiative' and warranted a satisfactory rating. Cloture, momentarily speechless, yielded the floor.