Geology Department's Pet Rock Outlasts Three Department Chairs, Receives Tenure

A granite specimen that has sat on a desk in the geology department of Millbrook University since 1987 has been granted tenure after inadvertently meeting all of the institution's criteria for the distinction, including continuous departmental presence, zero student complaints, and a publication record that, while nonexistent, is 'no worse than several of our human faculty,' according to the dean. 'The rock has been here longer than anyone,' said department chair Dr. Felicia Gneiss. 'It arrived before the internet. It has survived three department chairs, two building renovations, and the great coffee machine controversy of 2003. By any reasonable metric, it has demonstrated sustained commitment to this institution.' The rock, a medium-grained biotite granite weighing approximately 4.2 kilograms, was placed on the desk by retiring professor Dr. Edwin Batholith in 1987 with a handwritten note reading 'Please look after this.' Every subsequent occupant of the office has honored the request. 'I assumed it was important,' said Professor Alan Schist, who occupied the office from 1994 to 2007. 'It had a note. You don't ignore a note on a rock. That's geology 101.' The tenure decision was made during a faculty meeting when Dr. Gneiss, reviewing the department roster, noticed the rock listed as 'Specimen GR-1987, Resident Granite' on an outdated inventory spreadsheet. 'It met the residency requirement, the service requirement — it's been a doorstop, a paperweight, and a teaching specimen — and it has never once missed a departmental obligation, primarily because it has never been assigned one.' The Faculty Senate approved the appointment 14-1, with the sole dissenting vote coming from a professor in the English department who objected on the grounds that 'granting tenure to an inanimate object devalues the tenure process,' a position the geology faculty found 'debatable.'