Geology Professor Ruins Grand Canyon Vacation by Narrating All 1.8 Billion Years of It

A family vacation to the Grand Canyon was comprehensively ruined last week when geology professor Dr. Alan Stratum began narrating the canyon's 1.8-billion-year geological history from the North Rim parking lot and did not stop until his family physically removed him from the interpretive trail four hours later. 'We got out of the car and he pointed at the bottom and said that's the Vishnu Schist, approximately 1.75 billion years old, and I knew we were in trouble,' said his wife, Sandra, who had planned the trip as a family bonding experience. Dr. Stratum, who teaches introductory geology at Arizona State University, proceeded to identify and explain every visible rock layer from the Precambrian basement to the Kaibab Limestone at the rim, a journey through time that he delivered at approximately 450 million years per hour. 'The Great Unconformity alone took forty minutes,' reported his teenage daughter, Amber. 'He kept saying do you understand what a billion years of missing rock means and I kept saying yes just so he would stop, but he could tell I didn't really understand, so he started over.' The family's planned itinerary — a mule ride, a picnic at Bright Angel Point, and photos at sunset — was entirely replaced by what Dr. Stratum called 'a once-in-a-lifetime educational opportunity' and what his son called 'geological imprisonment.' 'Other families were taking selfies,' said his son, Tyler. 'We were learning about transgressive and regressive marine sequences. A stranger asked Dad if he was a tour guide. He said no, he was a father providing his children with context. The stranger walked away.' Dr. Stratum maintained that the vacation was 'enriching.' His family has voted unanimously that next year's trip will be to 'somewhere with no visible rock formations.' They are considering Kansas.