Local Pigeon Attempts Monumental Bronze Self-Portrait, City Council Demands 'Artistic Restraint'

Okay, folks, hold onto your chisels. We’ve got a situation brewing down at Oakhaven Park. Bartholomew, a particularly ambitious (and frankly, rather plump) pigeon, has begun constructing what can only be described as a… *robust* self-portrait out of scavenged bronze shavings, discarded welding rods, and an alarming amount of chewing gum. Witnesses report Bartholomew has been meticulously (and aggressively) pecking at the materials for weeks, occasionally dive-bombing unsuspecting park-goers who get too close to his ‘studio’ – a surprisingly well-organized patch of astroturf. The sculpture, currently resembling a vaguely avian blob with a disconcerting number of eyes, is already attracting a crowd. However, the City Council isn’t exactly thrilled. Councilman Reginald Featherbottom, sporting a fresh bandage on his earlobe, issued a statement yesterday: “While we appreciate artistic expression, we must maintain a certain… aesthetic standard. This… *thing*… is frankly, a hazard. And it’s attracting *more* pigeons. It’s a feathered feedback loop of civic disruption!” Bartholomew, when reached for comment (via a translator specializing in cooing and head-bobbing), reportedly stated he was aiming for “a visceral representation of the pigeon soul, a monument to our overlooked majesty.” He then promptly attempted to steal a croissant from my lunch. The debate rages on. Is it art? Is it a public nuisance? Is it a cry for seed? Only time (and possibly a very large net) will tell. We at the *Sculptor’s Standard* are, naturally, fully supportive of any artist, feathered or otherwise, pushing the boundaries of form. Just… maybe invest in some earplugs.