Dogecoin Billionaire Now Funding Research Into Pigeon-Based Stock Ticker System

Sources close to Elon… uh, I mean, Bartholomew “Bark” Billingsworth III (yes, that’s his legal name, don’t ask) have confirmed the Dogecoin magnate is diverting a significant portion of his fortune – estimated to be roughly the GDP of a small island nation – into a frankly baffling research project. The goal? To replace Wall Street’s current electronic ticker systems with a network of highly-trained pigeons. “It’s more secure,” Billingsworth reportedly slurred during a recent yacht party (themed, naturally, around Shiba Inus). “Hacking a pigeon? Good luck with that. They’re masters of aerial reconnaissance and frankly, they judge you less than your broker.” The project, dubbed “Project Coo-peration,” involves attaching miniature stock price displays to pigeon legs and training them to fly between major financial centers. Early trials have been… chaotic. Reports of pigeons delivering outdated information (apparently, one bird was obsessed with GameStop’s 2021 peak) and aggressively defending their stock portfolios from rival birds are flooding social media. Financial analysts are, predictably, skeptical. “This is… not a sound investment strategy,” stated Mildred McMillan, a senior economist at Boring & Bland Investments. “Unless, of course, you’re actively trying to destabilize the global economy. Then it’s genius.” Billingsworth, however, remains undeterred. He’s already announced plans to launch a line of pigeon-themed NFTs and a cryptocurrency backed by birdseed. The Stockholder Sun will, of course, be monitoring this situation with the seriousness it deserves… which is to say, very little. We’re mostly just waiting for the inevitable pigeon-related market crash.