Local Pig Futures Soar After Town Council Declares Bacon 'Essential Infrastructure'

HARMONY CREEK, IA – Forget broadband, forget pothole repair, forget *basic human decency*. The Harmony Creek Town Council, in a move that has baffled economists and delighted pork producers, unanimously voted yesterday to classify bacon as ‘essential infrastructure.’ The rationale? Apparently, a town without readily available bacon is a town not worth living in. “Look, we had to do *something* to boost morale,” explained Councilman Dale Peterson, between bites of a particularly crispy strip. “And frankly, the fiber optic project was just…too complicated. Bacon? Everyone understands bacon. It’s a universal language.” The decision has sent pig futures into a frenzy. Analysts are predicting a ‘bacon bubble’ of unprecedented proportions, with some speculating that pork belly will soon surpass gold as a safe-haven asset. Local farmer Mildred McMillan, owner of McMillan’s Magnificent Swine, is reportedly considering renaming her farm ‘The Federal Reserve of Oink.’ However, not everyone is thrilled. The Harmony Creek Vegan Society issued a strongly worded statement, calling the move “a blatant disregard for sentient beings and a terrifying endorsement of cholesterol.” They’ve threatened to stage a protest involving tofu sculptures and passive-aggressive interpretive dance. Meanwhile, the town’s sole cardiologist, Dr. Eleanor Finch, has quietly begun accepting payment exclusively in pre-paid gym memberships. She declined to comment, but was observed muttering something about “arterial blockages” and “the inevitable.” This reporter, for the record, supports the decision. It’s a bold move, a visionary move, a move that smells…delicious.