New Fitness App Rewards You With Crypto Every Time You Don’t Check Your Portfolio

PALO ALTO, CA—In a bold experiment combining financial wellness with actual wellness, Silicon Valley startup MindVest has launched StepAway, a fitness and mindfulness app that rewards users with cryptocurrency for every uninterrupted hour they refrain from checking their investment portfolios. “The average investor checks their portfolio 14 times a day and regrets it 13.5 times,” said MindVest CEO Arjun D'Souza at a launch event held inside a candlelit WeWork. “We’re here to help people take back their lives and maybe their serotonin levels.” The app leverages blockchain to mint “SanityCoin,” a token whose value is entirely dependent on user restraint. Using biometric tracking and browser activity monitoring, StepAway locks access to trading platforms and brokerage apps for preset intervals. The longer the user stays away, the more tokens they earn—unless they cave and peek at their red-splattered P/L. “Once I made it to 8 hours without checking my crypto wallet,” said beta tester Priya Singh, “I earned 0.006 SanityCoin and something called ‘emotional perspective.’ It was amazing.” Features include a leaderboard called the “Zen Index,” a Panic Timer that shuts down your brokerage app during Fed meetings, and a proprietary algorithm that sends push notifications like: “You are not your portfolio.” “Touch grass, not stonks.” “Don’t check it. Just breathe.” MindVest has partnered with Fitbit and Apple Health to track physical signs of market-induced panic, such as increased heart rate, clenched fists, and muttering “I should’ve sold last week.” Users exhibiting signs of financial hysteria will be auto-enrolled in a cooldown meditation featuring a guided visualization of Jerome Powell gently whispering, “It’s just a cycle.” Critics question the app’s economics, noting that SanityCoin currently trades at $0.004 and is only redeemable for branded stress balls and discounted therapy. Still, investors are excited. “It’s the only coin I’ve ever earned by doing literally nothing,” said trader Mike B., who has already sold all his tokens to buy more options. At press time, StepAway developers were reportedly working on a new feature that tazes you gently if you open Robinhood after 11 p.m.