Local Man Attempts to 'Experience Authentic Culture' by Complaining About Everything in Branson

BRANSON, MO – Bartholomew “Bart” Higgins, 47, of Peoria, Illinois, is currently on his seventh consecutive day of aggressively experiencing…disappointment, here in the heart of the Ozarks. Higgins, who described himself as a “seeker of genuine cultural immersion,” has reportedly spent the week meticulously documenting every perceived flaw in Branson’s entertainment offerings. “The sincerity is *suffocating*,” Higgins was overheard muttering outside the Sight & Sound Theatres after a performance of ‘Noah.’ “All that wholesome family fun? It’s…it’s just *too* much. Where’s the grit? The existential dread? I came here for authenticity, not a perfectly synchronized laser light show.” Witnesses report Higgins has also filed formal complaints with the local Chamber of Commerce regarding the excessive use of sequins, the prevalence of patriotic-themed buffets, and the unsettlingly cheerful demeanor of the dinner show waitstaff. He was last seen attempting to barter for a discount at Silver Dollar City using a collection of ironic t-shirts. “He keeps asking where the ‘real’ Branson is,” sighed a visibly weary park employee. “I tried to explain that…this *is* Branson. It’s always been Branson. But he just started talking about the commodification of nostalgia.” Experts suggest Higgins may be suffering from a rare condition known as ‘Performative Disillusionment,’ a common ailment among tourists who mistake cynicism for sophistication. The Travel Tribune advises readers: if you’re going to complain about a place, at least have the decency to do it quietly and while enjoying a complimentary funnel cake.