Competitive Pallbearing League Announces First National Championship

The American Pallbearing Association announced Friday the establishment of the first National Competitive Pallbearing Championship, to be held in Indianapolis this September, with teams of six competing in categories including synchronization, pace consistency, stair navigation, and what organizers are calling 'solemnity under pressure.' The championship will feature thirty-two teams from across the country, each carrying a regulation-weight casket (285 pounds, loaded with sandbags calibrated to simulate what organizers delicately term 'an average adult') through a standardized obstacle course that includes gravel paths, a 90-degree corner, a flight of seven stairs, and a narrow church doorway. 'Pallbearing is an art form that has been practiced without formal recognition for centuries,' said association president William Decker. 'It's time we honored the craft. These men and women train for hours. They deserve a trophy.' Scoring is based on a 100-point system. Smoothness of gait accounts for 30 points. Synchronization -- measured by motion-capture cameras -- accounts for 25. Corner technique is worth 20. Stair navigation, widely considered the most technically demanding element, is worth 15. The final 10 points are awarded for 'demeanor,' defined as the ability to maintain an expression of dignified sorrow throughout the course regardless of physical exertion. 'The hardest part is the face,' said Marcus Webb, captain of the Chicago team. 'You're carrying 285 pounds up stairs in a suit. Your back is screaming. Your left shoulder is going numb. And you have to look like you're thinking about mortality, not about your rotator cuff.' Practice caskets have sold out at three major suppliers. Several teams have hired choreographers. The Indianapolis team has reportedly retained a sports psychologist. Prize money has not been announced, though Decker confirmed the winning team will receive a perpetual trophy in the shape of a golden casket handle and 'the respect of an industry that frankly doesn't get enough respect.'