Eco-Burial Company Offers to Turn You Into a Tree, Cannot Guarantee Which Kind

Green Eternal, the eco-burial startup that promises to transform human remains into living trees, has issued a revised terms of service acknowledging that it cannot guarantee which species of tree a customer will become, following complaints from families who expected oaks and received what a botanist identified as 'aggressive privet.' 'The biological process is inherently unpredictable,' said Green Eternal CEO Fern Mulch. 'We provide the biodegradable pod, the nutrient medium, and the seed. What nature does with that is, ultimately, between the deceased and the soil microbiome.' The controversy began when the family of retired teacher Harold Elm visited his burial site expecting to find a young oak tree and instead discovered what appeared to be a vigorous holly bush. 'Dad specifically requested to be a white oak,' said his daughter. 'He had it in his will. He paid the premium tree package. He is now a holly bush that the groundskeeper has to trim every six weeks.' Green Eternal's original marketing materials featured images of towering oaks, stately maples, and weeping willows. The updated materials now include an asterisk and a footnote reading: 'Tree species may vary. Green Eternal makes no arboreal guarantees. All flora outcomes are final.' The company has also introduced a new pricing tier called 'Nature's Choice,' which is $2,000 less than the species-specific option and allows the ecosystem to 'select the most appropriate botanical expression for the individual.' 'Think of it as a personality test administered by fungi,' said Mulch. 'Some people are oaks. Some people are shrubs. There's no shame in being a shrub.' The Elm family has been offered a complimentary upgrade to the 'Legacy Canopy' package, which includes quarterly botanical monitoring and 'up to two corrective plantings.'