Embalmer Claims New Technique Preserves Bodies 'Better Than Keith Richards'

Master embalmer Dr. Yolanda Fitch of Savannah, Georgia, filed a patent Tuesday for what she calls the PermaRest Preservation System, a revolutionary embalming technique that she claims will maintain a body's visual integrity for 'a minimum of four hundred years, conservatively.' The technique, which Fitch developed over fifteen years in a converted garage laboratory, replaces traditional formaldehyde-based fluids with a proprietary cocktail of botanical extracts, mineral suspensions, and what Fitch will only describe as 'a polymer compound I discovered by accident while trying to fix my deck.' 'I ran my first trial on a cantaloupe in 2009,' Fitch said, producing said cantaloupe from a climate-controlled case. 'It looks exactly the same as the day I treated it. Smell it. Nothing. It's perfect.' The cantaloupe did, in fact, appear remarkably well-preserved. Funeral industry experts have responded with cautious interest. 'The science is intriguing,' said Dr. Harold Venn of the American Board of Funeral Service Education. 'But the claim that her subjects will outlast Keith Richards is both unprovable and, given his apparent immortality, unnecessarily ambitious.' Fitch demonstrated the technique on a test subject -- a donated cadaver treated eighteen months ago -- which she wheeled into the press conference with visible pride. Reporters confirmed the subject appeared to be in notably good condition, 'better than some of the living journalists present,' according to one attendee. Traditional embalmers have pushed back. 'We've been doing this for thousands of years,' said Gerald Humphries, a funeral director from Akron. 'The Egyptians figured it out. You don't need to reinvent the sarcophagus.' Fitch plans to offer PermaRest as a premium service starting at $12,000. 'Eternity is a long time,' she said. 'You want to look your best.'