Scuba Gear Manufacturer Releases BCD with 47 D-Rings, Still Not Enough

ScubaPro has unveiled its latest buoyancy compensator device, the Hydros X-Max, featuring 47 stainless-steel D-rings distributed across every conceivable surface of the vest, in what the company describes as 'the most attachment-ready BCD ever manufactured.' The D-rings, positioned at twelve points on the shoulder straps, eight on the waistband, fourteen across the back panel, six on the integrated weight pockets, four on the chest strap, and three in locations the product team describes as 'aspirational,' are designed to accommodate lights, cameras, reels, surface markers, slates, clips, and what product manager Dietrich Kern called 'the things divers don't know they need yet.' 'Forty-seven should be more than enough,' Kern said at the product launch. 'A recreational diver realistically needs four to six attachment points. We've provided eight times that. We are confident this settles the D-ring question once and for all.' It did not. Within hours of the announcement, online dive forums erupted with requests for additional D-rings. A thread on ScubaBoard titled 'Hydros X-Max: Where's the 48th D-ring?' reached fourteen pages in its first day. 'I need one on the lower left back panel for my backup backup light,' wrote user DeepDiver_Mike. 'Also one on the right hip for my lobster gauge. And one somewhere near my chin for my underwater notepad. So that's fifty minimum.' Kern expressed bewilderment. 'We focus-tested this with 200 divers,' he said. 'Everyone said they wanted more D-rings. We added D-rings. Now they want more D-rings. There is no number of D-rings that satisfies a diver. It's asymptotic.' A competitor has announced a BCD with 52 D-rings. Pre-orders have already exceeded projections. 'It's not about the D-rings you use,' explained dive equipment reviewer Carla Santana. 'It's about the D-rings you might use. Possibility is the product. Divers are buying potential.'