Dive Certification Card Now Accepted as Valid ID at Zero Establishments

A comprehensive survey conducted by the Recreational Scuba Training Council has confirmed that a PADI certification card is accepted as valid identification at exactly zero establishments in the United States, despite featuring a photograph, full legal name, unique certification number, and a holographic seal that costs more to produce than most state-issued IDs. The survey, which tested the card at 500 locations across 47 states, found a universal rejection rate of 100 percent. Notable incidents include a bartender in Austin who laughed for eleven seconds, a TSA agent in Denver who asked 'Is this a joke?', and a pharmacy technician in Portland who examined the card for ninety seconds before saying 'I don't know what PADI is and I'm not going to Google it while there's a line.' 'The card has everything a valid ID should have,' said PADI spokesperson Jennifer Ling. 'Photo. Name. Number. Expiration date. It proves you are a certified diver who has demonstrated competency in underwater navigation, buoyancy control, and emergency procedures. We don't understand why a bar in Tucson doesn't accept that as proof of age.' The survey was prompted by a growing number of complaints from certified divers who attempted to use their PADI cards in lieu of driver's licenses. Most incidents occurred at dive-adjacent establishments such as beachfront bars, marina restaurants, and a Jimmy Buffett concert in Tampa. 'I forgot my license and figured my dive card would work,' said Open Water diver Kyle Brannigan, 24. 'It has my photo. It proves I've been trained to survive underwater. That should count for something at a Chili's.' The Chili's in question declined to comment. PADI is reportedly in discussions with the Department of Homeland Security to have the card recognized as a supplementary form of identification. A spokesperson for DHS said they were 'not aware of those discussions.'