Local Violinist Claims Bow Hair is 'Actively Plotting Against Him'

Bartholomew “Barty” Finch, a moderately successful (read: plays weddings and occasionally busks near the artisanal cheese shop) violinist, has filed a formal complaint with the International Society of Stringed Instrument Concerns, alleging a conspiracy orchestrated by his horsehair bow. According to Finch, the bow, affectionately nicknamed ‘Henrietta’ despite being demonstrably not female, has been exhibiting increasingly erratic behavior. “It’s the rosin, I tell you! They’re using the rosin to communicate! Subtle vibrations, you see. It started with just…slipping. Then it was actively *avoiding* the strings. Now? Now it’s just lying there, judging me.” Finch presented ‘evidence’ consisting of a series of blurry photographs allegedly showing Henrietta ‘glaring’ at him, and a transcript of a conversation he had with the bow, which mostly consisted of Finch yelling at a piece of wood and horsehair. The ISSIC has responded with a statement politely suggesting Mr. Finch may benefit from a vacation and possibly a new bow. Sources within the organization, speaking on condition of anonymity (because, frankly, they were embarrassed to be involved), suggested Henrietta may simply be tired of playing “Pomp and Circumstance” for the seventh time this month. Meanwhile, Henrietta remains silent, presumably plotting her next move. Or, you know, just being a bow. The existential dread of inanimate objects is a surprisingly under-explored field, frankly. Perhaps a concerto is in order?