Man Spends $47,000 on Dive Watch, Has Never Been Deeper Than Hotel Pool

Financial analyst Bradley Whitmore, 43, proudly wore his new Rolex Submariner Date to a pool party in Scottsdale last Saturday, marking the closest his $47,200 dive watch has come to fulfilling its intended purpose since he purchased it fourteen months ago. 'It's rated to 300 meters,' Whitmore told fellow guests while standing ankle-deep on the pool stairs. 'That's nearly a thousand feet. I could explore the Titanic in this thing.' When asked if he had plans to do so, Whitmore clarified that he 'doesn't really do water stuff' and primarily selected the Submariner for its 'versatile aesthetic' and because it 'pairs well with business casual.' The watch's helium escape valve — designed to prevent crystal failure during saturation diving operations — has been activated exactly zero times. Its unidirectional rotating bezel, engineered for calculating decompression stops during mixed-gas dives, has been used once, to time a steak on a Weber grill. 'He asked me what a Cerachrom insert was and then Googled it right in front of me,' reported an authorized dealer who requested anonymity. 'I've sold nine Submariners this quarter. None of those owners can swim.' Rolex declined to comment, though a spokesperson noted that the Oyster case's hermetic seal performs equally well against chlorinated pool water, bathtub splashes, and the single tear of an authorized dealer watching a customer pair it with cargo shorts. Whitmore says he is considering purchasing a GMT-Master II next, citing his 'frequent travel,' which records show consists of a biannual trip to Tampa.