Mercury Retrograde Blamed for Woman's Decision to Text Her Ex, Eat Entire Cake

Local wellness practitioner Briony Fernshaw attributed her decision to text her ex-boyfriend at 2 a.m. and subsequently consume an entire Black Forest cake to Mercury retrograde, a planetary phenomenon she described as 'the cosmic equivalent of someone greasing all your decision-making pathways.' 'Mercury governs communication and rational thought,' Fernshaw explained from her apartment, where frosting residue was still visible on the throw pillows. 'When it appears to move backward in its orbit, our capacity for sound judgment literally reverses. I didn't choose to send fourteen consecutive messages about our relationship. Mercury did.' Fernshaw's astrologer, Luna Starchild, confirmed that the current retrograde cycle — which began March 14 and continues through April 7 — is 'particularly aggressive' and has been linked to a 340 percent increase in inadvisable text messages, impulse purchases of healing crystals, and what Starchild calls 'retrograde baking,' a phenomenon in which the afflicted person stress-bakes and then consumes the results. 'The cake is interesting,' Starchild noted. 'Mercury doesn't traditionally govern baked goods. That might be a Saturn square. I'd need to see her full natal chart.' Fernshaw's ex-boyfriend, Marcus, responded to the messages with a single thumbs-up emoji, which Fernshaw interpreted as 'clearly also Mercury-influenced, because Marcus doesn't normally use emojis — he's a Capricorn.' Fernshaw has since placed her phone in a selenite charging bowl for the duration of the retrograde, a practice she says will 'neutralize the communicative disruption' and also 'prevent me from ordering another cake.'