Wellness Podcast Listener Achieves Optimal Health According to 47 Contradictory Protocols

Dedicated wellness podcast listener Amanda Roth, 39, has informed her primary care physician that she is simultaneously following 47 health protocols recommended by 47 different podcasts, many of which directly contradict each other. 'I intermittent fast from 7 p.m. to 11 a.m., per The Fasting Fix,' Roth explained, reading from a color-coded spreadsheet. 'But I also eat a protein-rich breakfast within 30 minutes of waking, per The Morning Metabolism Show. So I fast and eat breakfast at the same time. I've worked out a system.' The system, which Roth has titled 'The Omni-Protocol,' also includes: drinking warm lemon water first thing in the morning (for alkalinity), drinking cold lemon water first thing in the morning (for metabolism), avoiding all seed oils, consuming flaxseed oil daily, sleeping eight hours, practicing polyphasic sleep in 90-minute cycles, grounding barefoot for 20 minutes daily, and never touching grass because of pesticide exposure. 'Some of these are incompatible,' her physician, Dr. Angela Mori, observed during a 45-minute consultation in which Roth presented the spreadsheet and asked Dr. Mori to 'identify which protocols are working and optimize the stack.' 'You can't simultaneously avoid all carbohydrates and eat 300 grams of sweet potato per day for gut health,' Dr. Mori said. 'Those are opposite things.' 'Not if you do the sweet potato during your eating window and avoid carbs during your fasting window,' Roth countered. 'The gut biome doesn't know you're fasting.' Dr. Mori's medical assessment was that Roth is 'remarkably healthy, presumably because none of these protocols are being followed consistently enough to produce either positive or negative effects.' Roth left the appointment dissatisfied and has since subscribed to three additional podcasts, one of which recommends abandoning all protocols entirely, which she plans to integrate into her existing protocol.