Power Tool Industry Lobbies Congress to Classify Hand Planes as Antiques

The American Power Tool Manufacturers Association has spent $4.2 million lobbying for the Hand Tool Historical Preservation Act, a bill that would legally reclassify all non-motorized woodworking tools as 'historical artifacts' and restrict their use to licensed reenactment facilities. Under the proposed legislation, anyone wishing to use a hand saw, chisel, or spokeshave would need to register with the Bureau of Historical Trades, pass a written exam on pre-industrial manufacturing practices, and operate the tools only within designated 'heritage zones' while wearing clothing from the appropriate historical period. 'These tools belong in a museum,' said APTMA president Rick Donaldson at a press conference held inside a Home Depot. 'When someone uses a brace and bit to drill a hole that a cordless drill could make in three seconds, they're not woodworking. They're performing a historical reenactment, and they should be regulated as such.' The hand tool community has responded with characteristic quiet fury. A coalition of woodworkers delivered a petition to Capitol Hill that was itself a hand-cut dovetailed box containing 400,000 signatures written with quill pens. 'They want us in costume?' said Paul Sellers, who was reached for comment while planing a board by hand in his workshop. 'Fine. I'll wear the costume. But the costume is just my normal clothes, because this is how I dress when I work.' The bill faces opposition from the Amish lobby, which has called the legislation 'an existential threat to our entire economy.' Congressional analysts give it a 12% chance of passage, noting that most legislators cannot identify a hand plane in a lineup.