Xenoarchaeological Team Discovers Alien Data Storage Device, Cannot Find Compatible USB Port

A crystalline matrix artifact recovered from a subsurface chamber on Mars has been confirmed to contain approximately 40 exabytes of encoded data, representing what xenoarchaeologists believe is 'the most significant information cache in human history.' Unfortunately, the team has been unable to read any of it due to what project director Dr. Cassian Bolt describes as 'a connectivity issue.' The artifact, designated XA-MARS-001, is a translucent dodecahedron approximately 8 centimeters in diameter that emits a faint blue glow and produces a barely audible hum at 432 Hz. Spectroscopic analysis confirms the presence of data encoded in its crystalline lattice structure at a density approximately ten million times greater than conventional silicon storage media. 'We know there's data in there,' Dr. Bolt said, turning the artifact over in her gloved hands. 'The encoding is obvious. The density is extraordinary. But we cannot interface with it. There is no port, no slot, no socket. We've tried electromagnetic induction, laser excitation, acoustic resonance, and — I'm not proud of this — physically pressing it against a USB-C adapter.' The Mars expedition's IT specialist, Kevin Marsh, has exhausted conventional troubleshooting approaches. 'I tried USB-A, USB-C, Lightning, micro-USB, and Thunderbolt,' Marsh said. 'I tried Bluetooth. I tried holding it near the router. Dr. Bolt suggested we try flipping it upside down, which I normally find patronizing, but at this point I was willing to try anything. It didn't help.' The artifact has been shipped to Earth for advanced analysis. Current hypotheses for data retrieval include 'quantum resonance coupling,' 'bioelectric neural interface,' and 'asking very nicely,' the last of which Dr. Bolt insists 'has not been formally tested and should remain in the hypothesis space.' The 40 exabytes of inaccessible data represent, by one estimate, 'the complete knowledge of an alien civilization, or possibly a very thorough backup of their equivalent of email.'