Xenoarchaeologist Discovers Own Car Keys at 3,000-Year-Old Dig Site

Dr. James Bennett, a field xenoarchaeologist with the Atacama Extraterrestrial Survey, made headlines this week after a metallic object he had carefully excavated, photographed, cataloged, and submitted for spectral analysis turned out to be his own car keys. The keys were recovered from Stratum 7 of the Atacama dig site, approximately 1.2 meters below the surface, in a layer dated to roughly 1,000 BCE. They were initially classified as 'Artifact AT-2291: Metallic ritual implement, possibly ceremonial key or symbolic unlocking device, consistent with hypothesized alien cultural practices around threshold and boundary concepts.' 'In my defense, they were covered in three thousand years of sediment,' Dr. Bennett said. 'And the Subaru logo, when partially obscured by calcium deposits, does look like it could be an alien glyph.' The discovery was made when Dr. Bennett reached into his pocket at the end of the dig day, found his keys missing, and experienced what he described as 'a cascading realization.' He then drove to the laboratory where AT-2291 was being stored in a climate-controlled case, retrieved his keys, and drove home. The incident has raised questions about site contamination protocols. 'We have strict rules about modern objects entering the excavation zone,' said site director Dr. Priya Mehta. 'Apparently, those rules did not account for someone's keys falling out of their cargo shorts while crouching in a trench.' Dr. Bennett's colleagues have been supportive, noting that 'this could happen to anyone,' though they have also begun referring to him exclusively as 'Key Boy.' The spectral analysis report, which was completed before the keys were identified, notes that AT-2291 is composed of 'a zinc-copper alloy consistent with early 21st-century Earth automotive manufacturing.' The report concludes, 'This is clearly a car key. We are embarrassed to have analyzed it.'