Peer-Reviewed Paper Argues the Great Pyramid Is Actually a Giant Alien USB Drive

A paper published this month in the Journal of Speculative Xenoarchaeology has proposed that the Great Pyramid of Giza is not a tomb, not an astronomical observatory, and not a power plant, but rather a data storage device containing approximately 4.7 exabytes of information encoded in its limestone block arrangement. The paper, authored by Dr. Stefan Gruber of the University of Vienna, argues that the precise placement of the pyramid's 2.3 million blocks constitutes a binary data matrix that, when decoded using an algorithm Gruber claims to have reverse-engineered from crop circle patterns, contains what appears to be a comprehensive encyclopedia of an alien civilization. 'Each block's position relative to its neighbors encodes a binary value,' Gruber writes. 'The pyramid is essentially a read-only storage device. The only issue is that we haven't located the access port.' Gruber theorizes the access port is located somewhere in the pyramid's subterranean chamber but has been unable to secure permission to look for it, as Egyptian authorities have been reluctant to allow researchers to drill into the Great Pyramid based on what the Ministry of Antiquities described as 'the USB theory.' The paper has received mixed reviews. Dr. Yael Cohen, an Egyptologist at the Hebrew University, called it 'creative nonsense,' while ancient astronaut theorist Marcus Bell called it 'the most important paper since my paper arguing that Stonehenge is a Bluetooth speaker.' Gruber has responded to critics by noting that his algorithm has decoded the first 400 bytes of the pyramid's data, which he says translates to: 'INSTALLATION MANUAL: READ BEFORE ASSEMBLING.' 'They put the instructions on the outside,' Gruber said. 'Just like IKEA. This is a universal constant of intelligent design.' The journal has noted that the paper underwent peer review by two anonymous referees, both of whom recommended publication 'because it's the most fun we've had reviewing a paper in decades.'