Alien Artifact Catalog Now Includes IKEA Furniture After Repeated Misidentification

The International Xenoarchaeological Registry has been forced to add common IKEA furniture to its exclusion database after field teams around the world repeatedly submitted disassembled IKEA products as confirmed extraterrestrial artifacts. The problem began in 2024 when a team in Sweden cataloged a KALLAX shelf unit found partially buried near a known impact crater. The item, stripped of its packaging and weathered by two Nordic winters, was classified as 'a modular alien storage matrix of unknown purpose' and entered into the registry as Artifact SW-1102. 'In fairness, a deconstructed KALLAX does not look like furniture,' said registry director Dr. Thomas Eriksson. 'It looks like engineered panels of compressed material with precisely milled fastener points. Which is exactly what an alien construction component would look like.' Since then, six additional submissions have been rejected: two BILLY bookcases (one in birch veneer, classified as 'organic alien composite'), a MALM dresser (cataloged as 'a layered containment unit'), a LACK table ('a low-profile alien platform'), and two POANG chairs ('ergonomic seating designed for non-human anatomy'). The POANG chairs, submitted by a team in New Zealand, prompted the most debate. 'The curved frame and non-standard seating angle genuinely suggested design for a species with different spinal anatomy,' said the team lead, Dr. Sarah Pham. 'I maintain that if aliens did visit Earth and needed to sit down, they would choose the POANG.' IKEA has responded with characteristic Swedish understatement. 'We are flattered that our designs are considered otherworldly,' said a spokesperson. 'Our products are designed for all beings who value affordable, functional design. If that includes extraterrestrial visitors, we welcome them and suggest they sign up for IKEA Family for additional discounts.' The registry's exclusion list now includes all current IKEA product lines, with a standing instruction: 'If it has an Allen wrench nearby, it is not alien.'