Local Goat Yoga Studio Now Offering 'Emotional Support Crystals' – Because Apparently Downward Dog Isn't Enough

Serenity Springs Goat Yoga, the establishment that bravely asks you to contemplate inner peace while simultaneously dodging tiny, hoofed projectiles, has announced a bold new initiative: Emotional Support Crystals. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, the gentle bleating of Beatrice and the occasional nibble on your LuluLemon aren’t *quite* cutting it in the self-care department. Founder and Chief Goat Whisperer, Brenda McMillan, explained the decision during a press conference held, naturally, *in* the goat pen. “We noticed a lot of clients were still…stressed,” she said, delicately removing a half-eaten yoga mat from Bartholomew’s mouth. “Like, REALLY stressed. So we thought, ‘What’s more soothing than a ruminant mammal? A ROCK!’” The crystals, sourced from a suspiciously enthusiastic vendor named ‘Cosmic Carl’ (who, sources say, also sells aura cleansings out of a van), range in price from $25 for a ‘Rose Quartz for Romantic Goat Bonding’ to a staggering $150 for a ‘Selenite Wand to Ward Off Negative Goat Energy.’ Early reports are…mixed. One participant, Mildred Periwinkle, claimed her amethyst helped her “finally connect with Beatrice on a spiritual level,” while another, Reginald Finch, was reportedly headbutted by Gertrude *while* attempting to align his chakras with a citrine. Yoga Yarn’s investigative team will continue to monitor this developing situation. We suspect the next logical step will be goat-led sound baths and mandatory sage smudging of all livestock. Namaste…and watch your head.