Man Completes 30-Day Yoga Challenge, Personality Now Insufferable

Kevin Marshall, a 38-year-old software engineer from Denver, completed a 30-day yoga challenge last week and has since become, in the words of his closest friends, 'completely unbearable.' Marshall began the challenge as a self-described 'regular guy who wanted to touch his toes.' He ended it as someone who introduces himself at parties by saying 'Namaste, I'm Kevin, but that's just the name my ego answers to.' 'It started small,' said his wife, Dana Marshall. 'On day five, he started drinking warm lemon water and calling it a morning ritual. On day twelve, he said the word intention for the first time. By day twenty, he had rearranged the living room to improve the energy flow and was burning sage in the garage.' Marshall's coworkers have noted the change. 'He used to say good morning,' said colleague Jennifer Tan. 'Now he says I'm holding space for this morning. He suggested we start our sprint planning meeting with three minutes of breath work. We're a software company. We plan sprints.' Marshall has also adopted a new vocabulary. Problems are now 'opportunities for growth.' Disagreements are 'invitations to understand.' Traffic is 'the universe asking me to slow down.' A server error that brought down the company's production system for four hours was, according to Marshall, 'a chance to practice non-attachment to outcomes.' 'He said that to the CTO,' said Tan. 'The CTO was not practicing non-attachment at the time. The CTO was practicing shouting.' Marshall is aware of the criticism but frames it as a compliment. 'When people resist your transformation, it means your light is threatening their darkness,' he told the Yearbook, while drinking a smoothie that contained turmeric, ashwagandha, and what he described as 'gratitude.' His wife has given him until Friday to 'bring it down about forty percent.' If he says the word intention one more time, she has informed him, she will be 'holding space for a very difficult conversation about our marriage.'