Area Woman's Chakras So Aligned They Now Constitute a Structural Engineering Marvel

Longtime yoga practitioner and Reiki master Celeste Thornton, 52, has achieved such comprehensive chakra alignment that the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has classified her spinal column as a 'structure of exceptional verticality and load-bearing capacity,' placing it in the same engineering category as the Hoover Dam. The classification followed a routine energy assessment at Thornton's wellness center in Sedona, Arizona, where a visiting structural engineer named David Kerrigan happened to observe Thornton's posture and experienced what he described as 'a professional revelation.' 'I've spent my career studying vertical load distribution,' Kerrigan told reporters. 'Her spine distributes gravitational force with 99.7 percent efficiency. The Golden Gate Bridge achieves 94 percent. She is, from an engineering standpoint, the most structurally sound thing I've ever seen that wasn't made of steel.' Thornton attributes her alignment to 30 years of daily yoga practice, weekly Reiki sessions, monthly sound baths, and what she calls 'a rigorous relationship with my root chakra that most people aren't willing to commit to.' 'My chakras aren't just aligned,' Thornton said, standing with a posture that caused three nearby buildings to look slightly crooked by comparison. 'They're calibrated. Each energy center communicates with the others in real time. My sacral chakra knows what my crown chakra is doing before my crown chakra does it.' The Army Corps has requested permission to study Thornton's alignment for potential applications in bridge design. Thornton has agreed, provided the engineers 'remove their shoes and set an intention before entering her energy field.' Four engineers have complied. One has since enrolled in a yoga class. Kerrigan has started meditating. 'Her posture is contagious,' he said. 'I stood near her for twenty minutes and my scoliosis improved. I don't understand it. I don't need to understand it.'