Competitive Yoga League Formed, Immediately Violates Every Principle of Yoga

The National Competitive Yoga League has announced its inaugural season, featuring twelve franchise teams, a salary cap, a televised draft, and corporate sponsorships from Lululemon, Gatorade, and a line of protein bars called 'Warrior Fuel.' The league, founded by former ESPN executive Brad Kessler, will feature teams competing in synchronized vinyasa flow, speed meditation, and what the league describes as 'extreme flexibility events' in which athletes attempt increasingly difficult poses while judges score technique, form, and what the rulebook calls 'apparent spiritual transcendence.' 'We're bringing yoga to the mainstream,' said Kessler, at a press conference held at Madison Square Garden. 'Right now, yoga is in studios. We're putting it in arenas. We're adding scoreboards, instant replay, and a half-time show. We're making yoga exciting.' The yoga community has responded with a reaction best described as the opposite of inner peace. 'Competition is the antithesis of yoga,' said the Yoga Alliance in a statement. 'The practice is non-competitive by definition. You cannot win at yoga. There is no winner. The entire philosophy is built on the absence of winning.' Kessler dismissed the criticism. 'People said the same thing about competitive eating. Now it's on ESPN2. The market will decide.' The draft, scheduled for March, will select athletes from a pool of certified instructors, competitive gymnasts, and what the league calls 'flexibility specialists.' Several prominent yoga teachers have been approached and have declined. One responded with a letter consisting entirely of the word 'Om' repeated 108 times. The league's first team, the Los Angeles Lotus, has already signed a naming rights deal with a kombucha company. The team's slogan: 'Namaste, but make it competitive.' Tickets for the inaugural match start at $75. A premium 'Enlightenment Package' that includes courtside seats and a post-match meditation with the athletes costs $500.