Man Attends First Yoga Class, Discovers He Has Been Breathing Wrong His Entire Life

Gary Kimball, a 44-year-old certified public accountant from Milwaukee, attended his first yoga class on Saturday and was informed within the first five minutes that he has been breathing incorrectly for his entire adult life. 'Breathe into your belly,' said instructor Luna Starweaver. 'Not your chest. Your belly. You've been chest-breathing. That's a fight-or-flight response. You've been in fight-or-flight for forty-four years.' 'I thought I was just breathing,' said Kimball, who had been breathing in a manner he considered adequate for four decades of tax preparation, three marathons, and the raising of two children. Starweaver spent the next twenty minutes attempting to retrain Kimball's respiratory pattern, which she described as 'shallow, thoracic, and spiritually impoverished.' Kimball attempted diaphragmatic breathing and hyperventilated. He attempted ujjayi breath and coughed. He attempted alternate nostril breathing and, in his words, 'just breathed out of both nostrils at the same time because that's how nostrils work.' 'Your nostrils are not supposed to work simultaneously,' Starweaver told him. 'They alternate naturally throughout the day. You've overridden the natural cycle.' Kimball, increasingly alarmed, asked if his incorrect breathing had caused any long-term damage. Starweaver said it had 'almost certainly disrupted his pranic flow' and recommended a series of twelve breathwork sessions at $95 each. 'I came here because my wife bought me a Groupon,' said Kimball, who was by this point lying on a mat surrounded by people who could apparently breathe correctly and seemed very calm about it. 'I thought I'd stretch. I didn't expect to learn that the one thing I've done continuously since birth — the one thing I assumed I had mastered — is something I'm doing wrong.' Kimball has not signed up for the breathwork sessions. He has, however, downloaded three breathing apps and has been practicing diaphragmatic breathing at his desk, alarming his coworkers with what they describe as 'intense sighing.'