Local Yogi Achieves Perfect Lotus Position, Cannot Get Up

Brenda Holloway, 52, of Portland, Oregon, has achieved what her instructor calls 'a lotus position so perfect it transcends the physical limitations of the human body.' The problem is that her body has transcended those limitations in one direction only: she can get into the position but cannot get out. Holloway assumed the lotus position during a Tuesday morning meditation session and has remained in it since, her legs folded with a geometric precision that her yoga instructor, Sven Bergkamp, describes as 'anatomically unprecedented.' Multiple attempts to unfold her have been unsuccessful. 'The alignment is extraordinary,' Bergkamp said, circling Holloway with a protractor. 'The angle of the femoral rotation, the symmetry of the tibial cross, the elevation of the ankles — this is textbook perfection. Better than textbook. The textbooks will need to be revised.' 'My legs are numb,' said Holloway, from the floor of the Serenity Springs Yoga Studio, where she has been receiving meals on a tray and communicating with her employer via speakerphone. 'I achieved the perfect lotus and the perfect lotus has achieved me. I can't feel anything below the waist.' Paramedics were called but departed after Bergkamp argued that medical intervention would 'disrupt the energetic alignment.' A physical therapist who arrived independently assessed the situation and stated that Holloway's hip flexors have entered a state of 'bilateral contracture consistent with holding a position for too long,' which is medical language for 'her legs are stuck.' The yoga community has responded with a mixture of reverence and concern. A GoFundMe campaign titled 'Free Brenda's Legs' has raised $47,000. A counter-campaign titled 'Let Brenda's Legs Stay Where They Are, For They Have Found Nirvana' has raised $52,000. Holloway has requested a heating pad and a book. Bergkamp has suggested she use the time for 'extended meditation.' Holloway's response was not suitable for publication in a family yoga newsletter.