Savasana Expert Accidentally Sleeps Through Entire Retreat, Declared Most Enlightened Attendee

Financial analyst Carol Drummond, 41, has been declared the most spiritually advanced attendee of the Transcendence Mountain Yoga Retreat after spending the entire seven-day program asleep. Drummond, who describes herself as 'profoundly exhausted from Q4 earnings season,' fell asleep during the opening ceremony's guided savasana on Day 1 and did not regain consciousness until the closing circle on Day 7. 'I thought she was in a deep meditative state,' said retreat leader Swami Bodhi. 'Her breathing was so rhythmic, her body so completely surrendered to the earth. I held her up to the other participants as an example of total ego dissolution. In 30 years of teaching, I have never seen someone let go so completely.' Fellow participants reportedly spent the week attempting to match Drummond's level of stillness, with several expressing frustration that they could not achieve her 'transcendent non-responsiveness.' 'I did every meditation, every breathwork session, every mindful movement class,' said attendee Jerome Finch. 'And Carol, who was literally unconscious, was held up as the gold standard. On Day 4, Swami Bodhi said she had achieved pratyahara — withdrawal of the senses. She had withdrawn so far from her senses that someone had to check her pulse.' Drummond awoke on Day 7 feeling, in her words, 'the best I've felt in fifteen years.' She was unaware she had missed the retreat until Swami Bodhi presented her with the 'Deepest Practice Award,' a hand-carved wooden lotus normally reserved for facilitators. 'I thought savasana was just the lying-down part at the end,' Drummond said. 'I didn't know you could win it.' She has signed up for a 10-day silent retreat in March, noting that 'silence is really my forte.'