Yoga Retreat Discovers Attendees Were Just Hiding From Their Families

The Shanti Bliss Retreat Center in Big Sur, California has released the results of a post-retreat satisfaction survey that has called into question the motivations of its entire clientele. The survey, sent to graduates of the center's popular ten-day silent meditation retreat, asked participants to rank their reasons for attendance. 'Spiritual growth' came in fourth. 'Stress reduction' came in third. 'Learning meditation techniques' came in second. 'Temporary escape from family obligations' came in first, cited by 87% of respondents. 'We were surprised,' said retreat director Ananda Lightfoot (legal name: Nancy Kowalski). 'We designed the retreat as a transformative spiritual experience. Apparently, we designed the world's most expensive excuse to not attend Thanksgiving.' Respondent comments were illuminating. 'My mother-in-law cannot call me during a silent retreat,' wrote one participant. 'This is the only socially acceptable way to be unreachable for ten days. I would pay twice the price.' Another wrote: 'The silence is genuinely restorative. Not because of meditation. Because nobody is asking me to fix the Wi-Fi.' The retreat's schedule — which includes five hours of daily meditation, two hours of walking meditation, and strict rules against speaking, eye contact, or device usage — was described by multiple respondents as 'less demanding than a typical Sunday at my parents' house.' Lightfoot has decided to lean into the finding. The center's next brochure will feature the tagline: 'Shanti Bliss: Where Your Family Can't Reach You.' The holiday retreat, timed to coincide with Thanksgiving through New Year's, has already sold out. 'We've added a premium package that includes a pre-written email to your family explaining that you'll be in silent meditation and cannot be disturbed,' said Lightfoot. 'It costs an extra $200. Everyone buys it.'