Local Astronomer Claims to Have Composed a Symphony for the Crab Nebula; Critics Remain…Nebulous

Professor Quentin Fitzwilliam, a man whose dedication to astrophysics is only surpassed by his questionable fashion sense (think tweed, but *in space*), has announced the completion of ‘Celestial Rhapsody in C# Minor,’ a symphony purportedly inspired by, and *for*, the Crab Nebula. “It’s all about the pulsar’s rhythm, you see,” Professor Fitzwilliam explained, gesticulating wildly with a protractor. “The electromagnetic pulses…they *demand* a counterpoint! A mournful oboe solo representing the supernova’s fading glory, naturally.” The premiere, held last night in the observatory’s dome (which, admittedly, improved the acoustics), was…an experience. Witnesses report a cacophony of theremins, kazoos, and what sounded suspiciously like a badger being strangled. The ‘symphony’ culminated in a prolonged period of silence, broken only by the observatory’s ventilation system and the increasingly frantic chirping of crickets. Dr. Beatrice Stern, a leading expert in interstellar harmonics (yes, that’s a thing), offered a terse assessment: “It was…loud. And vaguely unsettling. I suspect the Crab Nebula is politely pretending not to notice.” Professor Fitzwilliam remains undeterred. He’s already begun work on a ballet based on the orbital mechanics of Jupiter’s moons. Sources say the costumes will involve a lot of glitter and possibly live pigeons. We, at the *Astronomy Advocate*, are bracing ourselves. Frankly, after last night, a rogue black hole seems comparatively tame.