The Astronomer's Almanac

Hard science meets soft flexing. Satirize aperture fever and the logistical obsessions around dark-sky site planning.

NASA Confirms: Moon is, In Fact, Made of Green Cheese (But It's Artisanal)

NASA has confirmed the long-held suspicion—and Aunt Mildred's insistence—that the Moon is, in fact, made of artisanal green cheese, prompting a scramble for 'Lunar Palate' specialists and a booming black market.

Local Astronomer Claims to Have Composed a Symphony for the Crab Nebula; Critics Remain…Nebulous

An eccentric astrophysicist's symphony 'for' the Crab Nebula left audiences and interstellar harmonics experts equally bewildered, but hasn't dampened his artistic ambitions.

Local Man Claims to Have Received Investment Advice From Constellation Orion, Results…Suboptimal

A retired taxidermist in Iowa is facing financial ruin after taking investment advice from the Orion constellation, resulting in a portfolio filled with Beanie Babies and porcelain dolls.

NASA Announces New 'Emotional Support Planet' Program; Critics Question Sanity of Applicants

NASA's new 'Emotional Support Planet' program, funded by a questionable source, is pairing lonely humans with distant planets—with predictably bizarre results.