Local Man Claims to Have Received Investment Advice From Constellation Orion, Results…Suboptimal

Harmony Creek, Iowa – Bartholomew “Bart” Higgins, 62, a retired taxidermist and self-proclaimed ‘interstellar financial consultant,’ is currently facing mounting debt after following investment strategies allegedly dictated to him by the Orion constellation. Higgins claims the advice, received via a complex system of blinking Christmas lights and interpretive dance, promised “galactic returns” on a portfolio heavily weighted in Beanie Babies and limited-edition porcelain dolls. “Orion was *very* clear,” Higgins explained, adjusting his tinfoil hat. “He said ‘Embrace the plush! The future is fuzzy!’ I thought, ‘Who am I to question a celestial being?’ Turns out, Orion doesn’t understand the nuances of the secondary Beanie Baby market. Who knew?” Local astronomers, while politely declining to comment on Higgins’ methods of communication, did point out that Orion is roughly 1,344 light-years away. “Even if Orion *were* offering financial advice,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance of the Harmony Creek Observatory, “the information would be…slightly outdated. Like, pre-inflation outdated.” Higgins, however, remains undeterred. He’s now attempting to renegotiate his debts with creditors, arguing that they are “disrespecting the wisdom of the cosmos.” He’s also reportedly seeking guidance from the Pleiades cluster regarding a potential career change – possibly competitive hot dog eating. The Astronomy Advocate will continue to follow this developing story, and offer Higgins a complimentary subscription…to a budgeting workshop.