NASA Announces New 'Emotional Support Planet' Program; Critics Question Sanity of Applicants

Houston, we have a…need for validation? In a move that has left astrophysicists scratching their heads and therapists reaching for the smelling salts, NASA unveiled its groundbreaking 'Emotional Support Planet' (ESP) program yesterday. The initiative, funded by a suspiciously large grant from a self-help guru with a penchant for tinfoil hats, aims to pair lonely Earthlings with distant, uninhabited planets for 'long-distance emotional bonding.' “Look, we all get lonely,” explained NASA Administrator Bill Nelson, while simultaneously avoiding eye contact. “Sometimes, you just need a celestial body to *listen* without judgment. Proxima Centauri b is a particularly good listener, apparently. Very quiet.” The application process, however, is proving…challenging. Initial reports indicate a significant number of applicants are attempting to establish relationships with black holes, citing their 'mysterious allure' and 'ability to absorb negativity.' One applicant reportedly submitted a 500-page manifesto detailing their plans to build a giant telescope solely to send therapy bills to Jupiter. Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, a leading (and increasingly bewildered) space psychologist, commented, “We’re seeing levels of existential dread previously thought impossible. People are projecting their anxieties onto gas giants. It’s…a lot. Frankly, I’m starting to think *we* need emotional support planets.” NASA assures the public that all planetary companions will be thoroughly vetted to ensure they are 'emotionally stable' and 'won't suddenly decide to become rogue planets.' The program is currently accepting applications, but applicants are strongly advised to have a healthy grasp on reality…and possibly a good lawyer.