Bowyer's Spouse Files for Custody of Garage, Cites 'Irreconcilable Differences With Stave Collection'

Margaret Longbow has filed a motion in family court seeking exclusive custody of the couple's two-car garage, which she alleges has been 'systematically colonized' by her husband's bow-making operation to the point where 'no reasonable vehicle could enter without sustaining damage from suspended staves.' The filing, which includes photographic evidence, describes a space containing 67 staves in various stages of seasoning, three tillering trees, a shaving horse, two workbenches, a floor-mounted belt sander, and what the filing calls 'an unconscionable quantity of wood shavings that have achieved geological depth.' 'I used to park my car in that garage,' Margaret told the court. 'Now I park on the street while sixty-seven pieces of wood enjoy climate-controlled accommodations. Several of them have names.' Her husband, Douglas Longbow, contested the characterization. 'It's not sixty-seven staves. It's sixty-three. Four of them are billets, which is a completely different thing. And the staves need consistent temperature and humidity. The Honda does not.' Douglas's attorney argued that the stave collection represents 'significant creative and financial assets' that require proper storage conditions, noting that Osage orange alone accounts for an estimated $4,200 in raw materials. Margaret's attorney countered that Douglas has produced exactly two finished bows from the collection in five years, calling the garage 'less a workshop and more a hospice for trees that died in vain.' The judge has ordered mediation and suggested 'perhaps a shed.'