Local Climber Attempts Speed Ascent of Grocery Store Aisle 7, Claims 'It's the Beta I Needed'

Our sources report that Bartholomew “Barty” Bingley, 32, a self-described ‘vertical lifestyle enthusiast’ from Poughkeepsie, attempted a free solo ascent of Aisle 7 at the local PriceRite yesterday afternoon. Witnesses say Bingley, clad in full climbing gear (including a helmet, which, frankly, was the most sensible part of the whole ordeal), began his ascent near the canned peaches, aiming for the top shelf where the artisanal mustards reside. “He kept muttering about ‘crux moves’ and ‘finding the flow state’ while trying to navigate around a pyramid of discount toilet paper,” reported Mildred McMillan, 78, a regular PriceRite shopper. “Honestly, I thought he was having a stroke. Then he started yelling about ‘slopers’ and ‘crimpers’… I think he was talking about the pickle jars.” Bingley’s attempt was ultimately thwarted by a rogue display of seasonal gourds, which he reportedly described as “unexpectedly bulky protection.” He sustained minor scrapes and a bruised ego. When questioned by our reporter (who was also attempting to purchase milk), Bingley insisted the attempt was a crucial training exercise. “Look, the overhang on ‘Old Man’s Bluff’ is *nothing* compared to the logistical nightmare that is a poorly stocked grocery store. This was the beta I needed. The beta!” PriceRite management declined to comment, but sources within the store suggest they are considering installing a belay station near the breakfast cereal. We, at the Climber’s Chronicle, fully support this initiative. Think of the Instagram content! And a final note: please, for the love of all that is chalky, do *not* attempt to climb grocery store aisles. It’s just… not cool. Unless you film it. Then definitely send us the footage.