The Climber's Chronicle

Reaching new heights of absurdity.

8-Year-Old Flashes V5 Dad Has Been Projecting Since January

Witnesses say the child completed the problem in Crocs and a unicorn hoodie, while her father muttered something about "different ape indexes" and quietly logged it as wet holds on 8a.nu.

Climbers Elaborate Pre-Send Ritual Now Requires 14 Items, 3 Witnesses, and Mercury in Retrograde

What started as a simple chalk clap has evolved into a full-blown theatrical production involving crystals, incantations, and a very specific pair of sockswashed only during new moons.

Local Dirtbag Lives in $78,000 Sprinter, Refuses to Pay $5 Entry Fee

Despite a solar-powered espresso setup and custom drawer system, self-proclaimed minimalist Josh Barkley insists he doesnt believe in paying to climb, and attempted to sneak in through the side trailagain.

Latest

Climber Criticized for Leaving No Trace After Failing to Tag Crag in Instagram Post

Despite practicing rigorous outdoor ethics, climber Tessa Lin is under fire for omitting the crag location in her latest post, sparking accusations of gatekeeping, geo-hoarding, and anti-algorithm selfishness.

Climber Unsure How to Tell Belay Partner They're Just Not Projecting Together Anymore

After months of emotional top-outs and shared flailing, local climber Rachel Ames struggles to end things with her long-time belayer without hurting his feelings or jeopardizing rope access.

Climber Names New Route 5.12+? to Avoid Community Backlash, Personal Responsibility

After establishing a new line at the local crag, climber Jordan Tate labeled it 5.12+? to preemptively deflect criticism, sandbag accusations, and accountability for anyone else's pain.

Panic at Crag After Beloved Chalk Bag Disappears Mid-Session

The sudden vanishing of a climbers emotionally bonded chalk bagnamed Dustyhas sparked a four-hour search, three existential crises, and a spontaneous group discussion on the nature of luck.

Climber Fired Mid-Sesh for Violating Gyms Unspoken Vibe Code

Despite a perfect belay record and friendly demeanor, Kyle Hastings was asked to leave VibeHaus Climbing Collective after wearing socks with his approach shoes and asking what time they close.

Local Climber Brings Nothing But Toothbrush and Crippling Self-Reliance on Weeklong Bouldering Trip

Claiming to embrace the purity of the movement, minimalist climber Greg Flinn set out for seven days in the Buttermilks armed only with a toothbrush, a reusable chalk ball, and a vague sense that comfort was weakness.

Local Climber Renames Classic Route to Dads Fault After One Bad Therapy Session

After finally sending a 5.13 he'd been projecting for years, 32-year-old Nate Trull exercised his first ascent rights to rename the climb in honor of unresolved paternal resentment.

Local Climber Claims 'Zen' Achieved While Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place (Literally)

An accountant found enlightenment—and required a three-hour rescue involving a llama and a garden hose—while stuck 15 feet up a climb at Devil’s Tooth crag.

Local Climber Attempts Speed Ascent of Grocery Store Aisle 7, Claims 'It's the Beta I Needed'

A 'vertical lifestyle enthusiast's' ill-advised free solo climb of a PriceRite aisle highlights the lengths climbers will go to for training – and potentially viral content.

The Curious Case of the Missing Chalk Bags: A History of Summit-Related Kleptomania, and My Own Suspect Squirrel

A whimsical investigation into the mysterious disappearance of chalk bags at climbing crags reveals a surprisingly plausible culprit: wildlife with a penchant for pilfered climbing gear.

Local Climber Attempts 'The Nose' Using Only Baguettes and Existential Dread

A Sacramento man is attempting to scale El Capitan using only baguettes and existential angst, prompting concern from rescue teams and a potential avian uprising.

Local Gym Bans Chalk Bags After 'Existential Dust' Concerns

A climbing gym owner's bizarre ban on chalk, spurred by a pricey self-help seminar, has sparked outrage and existential crises among patrons—but his golden retriever remains unfazed.

From Lena Lyric Volkov

The Belay of Us: When Trust Falls Feel Like Free Solo

A climbing trip to Red Rock Canyon reveals how the dynamics of a climbing partnership—trust, communication, and vulnerability—mirror the complexities of any close relationship.

Local Climber Attempts to Propose Mid-Route, Belay Partner Claims 'It Was a Type 2 Fun Situation'

A weekend warrior's ill-advised proposal on a climbing route led to a declined offer and a solo attempt to grapple with regret—and a potentially lost ring.

From Imani Ink Adebayo

Beyond the Chalkbag: Exploring the Roots of Climbing Culture & the Need for Inclusive Spaces

Beyond the physical challenge, rock climbing culture is undergoing a crucial reckoning with its history and striving for greater inclusivity to enrich the sport for all.

Local Climber Claims Spiritual Connection to Granite, Now Demanding It Be Addressed as 'Elder Stone'

A speed climber's claim of spiritual connection with Devil's Tower—and his demands for the rock's respectful treatment—have sparked bewilderment and amusement in the climbing community and beyond.

From Sofia Spike Sanchez

Peak Performance or Peak Deception? 'Eco-Friendly' Climbing Gear Firm Accused of Greenwashing, Himalayan Sherpas Speak Out

An investigation reveals that popular climbing gear brand AscendZen is built on misleading 'sustainable' claims, exploiting both the environment and the workers who produce its products.

Local Gym Owner Accused of 'Route Rigging' – Claims He's Just 'Optimizing the Experience'

Allegations of deliberate route manipulation at the exclusive ‘Verticality’ gym have sparked outrage in the climbing community, with members claiming owner Barry “The Boulder” Billings is making routes harder for less-skilled climbers to benefit his preferred clientele and boost his own performance.

From Rohan Rhyme Ramanathan

Grip It & Sip It: Coffee-Fueled Ascent Raises Questions of Ethics (and Caffeine Levels)

A local climber’s caffeine-fueled first ascent of a challenging route has ignited a debate about performance enhancement and the true spirit of climbing.

Chalk Dust Dreams & Existential Screams: Local Climber Reports Sentience in His Climbing Shoes

A Boulder Creek boulderer claims his climbing shoes have developed sentience, sparking a philosophical debate within the climbing community.