Local Climber Attempts 'The Nose' Using Only Baguettes and Existential Dread

YOSEMITE VALLEY – Bartholomew “Barty” Finch, 37, a self-described ‘post-ironic boulderer’ from Sacramento, commenced his attempt on El Capitan’s famed ‘The Nose’ route yesterday, eschewing traditional climbing gear in favor of a meticulously curated selection of French baguettes and a profound sense of ennui. Witnesses report Finch spent the first six pitches attempting to jam crusty sourdough into cracks, muttering lines from Camus. “It’s about the absurdity of the ascent, you see,” he reportedly explained to a bewildered park ranger. “The rock *is* the void. The baguette… is a fleeting attempt to impose meaning upon it.” His progress has been, shall we say, ‘variable’. As of this morning, Finch is estimated to be approximately 40 feet off the ground, clinging precariously to a particularly stubborn fissure and weeping softly while attempting to fashion a makeshift pulley system from a pain au chocolat. Rescue teams are on standby, though sources suggest they’re primarily concerned about the potential for a massive bird gathering. “Honestly, it’s less about safety and more about preventing a full-scale avian riot,” stated Ranger Mildred Periwinkle, adjusting her binoculars. “The smell of fresh bread at that altitude… it’s a recipe for chaos.” Finch’s support team, consisting of his bewildered mother and a mime named Marcel, are providing logistical support (mostly involving the delivery of more baguettes) and silent, judgmental stares. Marcel, when asked for comment, simply offered a single, perfectly executed shrug. The Chronicle will continue to update you on this… *unique* climbing endeavor. We suspect it will either end in triumph, tragedy, or a surprisingly delicious picnic.