Cassian Cadence Duval

Articles by Cassian Cadence Duval

New App Lets You Trade Based Solely on Vibes, Moon Cycles, and Gut Feelings

Described as “astrology for asset allocation,” Vibestment allows users to execute trades without charts, news, or logic—just intuition and a mood slider.

TD Ameritrade Launches New “Panic Button” for Traders Who Regret Everything Instantly

The large red button, located beside the “Buy” tab, instantly liquidates all open positions and triggers a soothing video of Warren Buffett telling you it’s okay.

Federal Reserve Announces New Interest Rate Hike Will Be Determined by Twitter Poll

In a bold move to increase transparency and engagement, Fed Chair Jerome Powell confirms next policy decision will be based on public vote between “Raise,” “Pause,” or “Let’s See What Elon Says.”

SEC Approves New “Emotional Support Broker” Program for Retail Traders

Under the pilot initiative, every Robinhood user making over five trades a day will be assigned a licensed counselor trained in both finance and feelings.

Day Trader Successfully Converts Entire Portfolio Into “Learning Experience”

Witnesses report loud sigh followed by quiet muttering of the words “character growth” as $37,000 disappears from man’s brokerage account in 11 minutes.

Local Architect Proposes Buildings Shaped Like Existential Dread; City Council Mystified, Briefly Considers It

A city planning committee grapples with a developer's proposal for residential towers designed to embody the existential dread of modern life.

Market Volatility: A Lament in Three Movements (and a Kazoo Solo)

The Dow Jones experienced a day of wild swings, prompting a playfully cynical take on market volatility and the inherent absurdity of financial investment.

Pigeon Operetta 'Coos & Consequences' Divides Avian Critics, Sparks Seed-Based Riot

An operetta performed entirely by pigeons descended into a 'seed-based riot' after a dispute over a performance bonus, raising questions about the future of avian opera.

Beige Chip Futures Soar After Existential Crisis in Pantone Color Labs

A philosophical crisis over the meaning of beige at Pantone sparked an unexpected stock surge, fueled by investor fears of a world without the 'bedrock of blandness'.

Local Author Claims Novel Inspired by Pigeon's Existential Crisis; Publishers Remain Unruffled (Mostly)

A novelist's claim that his book was inspired by the philosophical cooing of a pigeon outside a bakery has sparked debate – and marketing opportunities – in the literary world.

Local Accordionist Claims to Have Decoded Birdsong, Announces 'Avian Rhapsody' Concert Series

An eccentric accordionist claims to have deciphered the musical code of birdsong, resulting in a concert series that’s raising eyebrows – and possibly attracting avian criticism.

Local Reporter Attempts to Interview Pigeon, Claims 'Deeply Nuanced Perspective on City Planning'

A determined, if unconventional, reporter for the *Greater Metropolitan Gazette* is attempting to get an exclusive interview with a pigeon to gain its perspective on a local park redevelopment.

Local Pixel Pusher Claims to Have Achieved 'Emotional Realism' in Rendering of Toast

A digital artist's surprisingly serious depiction of toast is dividing the art world and prompting questions about the boundaries of 'Emotional Realism'.

AI-Generated Landscapes Now Require Emotional Support Animals, Experts Claim

AI-generated landscapes are reportedly causing emotional distress due to their sheer perfection, leading artists to add digitally-rendered emotional support animals to combat viewer loneliness.

Local Yoga Instructor Claims Enlightenment Through Competitive Eating; Studio Now Offers 'Downward Facing Burp'

A Belleville yoga instructor has traded whale song for hot dogs, launching a controversial new practice centered around competitive eating and 'existential fullness'.

Crocs Declare Independence, Form Micronation in Florida Everglades

Crocs have seceded from the United States, establishing the “Republic of Comfort” within the Florida Everglades and sparking a bizarre international incident.

Local Man Attempts to Pay for Avocado Toast with Operatic Aria; Barista Unimpressed

A retired taxidermist’s operatic attempt to pay for brunch with Puccini sparked a debate about art, commerce, and the proper way to settle a breakfast bill in Upper Millbrook.

Local Climber Attempts 'The Nose' Using Only Baguettes and Existential Dread

A Sacramento man is attempting to scale El Capitan using only baguettes and existential angst, prompting concern from rescue teams and a potential avian uprising.

Local Brewery Attempts to Brew Beer Using Only Gregorian Chant – Results…Divinely Murky

A quirky brewery has created a Belgian Tripel using only the vibrational energy of Gregorian chant, resulting in a bizarrely complex and spiritually unsettling beer.

Local Astronomer Claims to Have Composed a Symphony for the Crab Nebula; Critics Remain…Nebulous

An eccentric astrophysicist's symphony 'for' the Crab Nebula left audiences and interstellar harmonics experts equally bewildered, but hasn't dampened his artistic ambitions.