Local Architect Proposes Buildings Shaped Like Existential Dread; City Council Mystified, Briefly Considers It

The City Planning Committee convened yesterday to discuss Mr. Bartholomew Finch’s latest proposal: a series of residential towers designed to physically *manifest* the crushing weight of modern existence. Finch, a man whose previous work includes a parking garage resembling a half-eaten croissant, presented scale models of buildings that appear to be actively…slouching. “They’re meant to be… honest,” Finch explained, adjusting his monocle. “We build these gleaming towers, these monuments to progress, but what are we *really* feeling? A profound sense of unease? A creeping awareness of our own mortality? These buildings *are* that feeling. They’re… structurally melancholic.” The committee, initially stunned into silence, quickly devolved into a debate about the structural integrity of sadness. Councilwoman Mildred Periwinkle, known for her unwavering commitment to beige, reportedly asked if the buildings could be painted a “more cheerful shade of despair.” “Perhaps a muted ochre?” she mused. “Something that says ‘I’m falling apart, but I’m trying to look presentable.’” Ultimately, the proposal was tabled, pending a feasibility study on whether buildings can legally experience an existential crisis. Sources say the city’s structural engineers are currently consulting with a team of performance artists and a particularly gloomy basset hound. Meanwhile, Finch is reportedly working on a proposal for a public park designed to resemble a forgotten dream. One can only hope it doesn’t involve interpretive dance.