SEC Approves New “Emotional Support Broker” Program for Retail Traders

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unprecedented step toward investor mental health, the Securities and Exchange Commission announced Monday the rollout of its “Emotional Support Broker” program, a regulatory pilot designed to offer real-time emotional guidance to retail traders spiraling into panic, euphoria, or delusional grandeur after market swings. “Too many Americans are losing more than just money—they’re losing their grip on reality at 9:31 a.m. every weekday,” said SEC Chair Gary Gensler during a somber press conference held next to a live feed of the VIX. “We believe a licensed emotional support broker whispering, ‘Maybe don’t buy that triple-leveraged uranium ETF just yet,’ could prevent unnecessary trauma.” Under the plan, every trading platform with more than 3 million active users must integrate one-on-one emotional triage for users placing more than five trades per day or using margin while already eating a Hot Pocket for breakfast. Brokers will be required to complete 12 hours of empathy training and pass the Series-F (Feelings) exam before going live. “We’ve created a safe, regulated space for the phrase ‘I just want my money back,’” explained Janet Wiles, a beta support broker and former therapist who now works full-time calming down men who refer to themselves as “chart wizards.” “Last week, I talked a guy out of rage-buying $14,000 of DraftKings with his rent money. He thanked me by throwing his phone into a river.” The pilot phase began last month on Robinhood, where test subjects were greeted by a pop-up that read: “We noticed you’ve traded 17 times today. Want to talk to someone who knows what RSI and shame both feel like?” One early user, 24-year-old Carter Lin, praised the program. “Usually, I just stare into my reflection in the screen after a loss. But now there’s a woman named Deborah who calls me ‘champ’ and walks me through my feelings while I average down on Lucid.” Critics, however, argue the program could embolden risky behavior. “These are retail investors, not soldiers returning from war,” scoffed hedge fund manager Trent Mallory. “Why should my taxes fund their post-NVIDIA regret?” In response, Gensler pointed to recent data from Fidelity’s retail division showing that 42% of active users reported yelling “LET’S GOOOOOOO” aloud before a trade and 19% wept openly after watching a green candle turn red in real time. “This is a systemic issue,” he said. “One man referred to his portfolio as a ‘living creature that betrayed him.’ That’s not healthy.” At press time, the SEC announced plans to expand the program with an optional “Cooldown Mode,” during which users are gently logged out, mailed a tea sampler, and redirected to a playlist titled “You Are More Than Your Gains.”