Local Climber Attempts to Propose Mid-Route, Belay Partner Claims 'It Was a Type 2 Fun Situation'

Right, so. Another Tuesday. Another existential crisis played out on a granite face. This time, it wasn’t about the inherent meaninglessness of sending V6, but about… commitment. Apparently, Bartholomew “Bart” Higgins, 32, a self-described ‘weekend warrior’ and purveyor of aggressively beige outdoor gear, decided the crux of ‘The Widowmaker’ (5.10b) was *also* the perfect moment to propose to his girlfriend, Penelope. Penelope, who, sources say, is a botanist specializing in alpine flora and possesses a remarkably patient disposition, was… less than thrilled. “He yelled it over the wind,” reported Silas Finch, Bart’s belay partner, while meticulously cleaning his quickdraws. “Like, *yelled*. Between grunts. And the whole thing was punctuated by him desperately trying not to slip. It wasn’t romantic. It was… a logistical nightmare. A Type 2 fun situation, definitely. You know, the kind where you’re suffering in the moment but will laugh about it later. Probably.” Penelope, reached for comment while identifying lichen samples, offered a single, withering sentence: “The ring box was attached to his harness with a carabiner. A *locking* carabiner, thankfully. But still.” The proposal was, predictably, declined. Bart is reportedly now attempting to solo ‘The Regret Ridge’ (5.7) and is refusing all offers of emotional support. Silas Finch added, with a sigh, “Honestly, I just hope he doesn’t drop the ring. That’d be bad for the environment.” (This reporter finds the entire situation a poignant metaphor for the precariousness of modern love. Also, the carabiner thing is just… aesthetically displeasing.)