Local Climber Claims Spiritual Connection to Granite, Now Demanding It Be Addressed as 'Elder Stone'

Okay, folks, buckle up. This one’s…a lot. Bartholomew “Bart” Higgins, a relatively unknown speed climber specializing in routes around Devil’s Tower (and, apparently, existential crises), has announced he’s achieved a “deep spiritual resonance” with the rock face itself. And by resonance, I mean he now believes the granite is a sentient being, specifically, an ‘Elder Stone’ deserving of respect, offerings of organic granola, and, crucially, being addressed by its proper title. “It *told* me,” Higgins insisted during a press conference held, naturally, at the base of the Tower. He was wearing a hand-woven hemp poncho and attempting to braid wildflowers into a particularly stubborn crack in the rock. “Elder Stone has witnessed millennia. It holds the wisdom of the ages! We can’t just…*climb* on it without acknowledging its inherent dignity!” The situation has, predictably, caused a stir in the climbing community. Seasoned veteran Esme Dubois, known for her no-nonsense approach to ascents, simply rolled her eyes. “Look, I respect Bart’s…enthusiasm. But last week he tried to negotiate a trade with a marmot for better belay advice. I think his ‘resonance’ might be a little…off.” Park officials are currently mediating, attempting to explain to Higgins that while respecting the environment is vital, demanding formal address for geological formations is, shall we say, unconventional. They’ve tentatively agreed to allow Higgins to leave a small dish of granola at the base of the Tower, but have firmly rejected his proposal to install a tiny velvet rope and a ‘Please Knock’ sign. Meanwhile, sales of hemp ponchos and organic granola have reportedly spiked in the nearby town of Hulett. And Elder Stone remains, as far as anyone can tell, stoically silent. Though, a park ranger *did* mention a slight increase in bird droppings near Higgins’ usual climbing route. Coincidence? We’ll let you decide. (Illustration: A caricature of Bart Higgins, looking intensely at Devil's Tower, while attempting to offer a granola bar to a very unimpressed-looking rock face. He's wearing the poncho and the wildflowers are falling out of the crack.)